Smiles for days.

So, I had previously mentioned a guy called, Kyle, who was dating this retard called Dante. Since my last post involving the two of them they have broken up. Dante wanted to do his own version of Eat, Pray, Love wich translated to pure selfishness. Anyways, they broke up and it shames me to say this but it put a smile on my face. 

I think I have had a thing for Kyle since we first met. We have always got along really well and what started out as friends will now hopefully evolve into something else. Something better. Something long term. There has been big talk about the weeks and even year ahead. He's going to teach me how to braai (which I already know how to do but I lied to have an excuse to get him to my place while my rents are away). Anyways, January will be he month of the Kyle and we will see where it goes. I already know where I want it to go but whether it goes that direction or not is a different matter entirely.

I'm calling it a night. Good night blogosphere. Will keep you posted. 

Is it really a merry Christmas?

It's that time of year again. The time of year when the egg nog flows and the mince pies get eaten. I really don't mind Christmas but there is one thing that gets  to me, I don't like spending this much time with my family. It's not that I don't like them or anything but more that when we spend this much time together things get tense. Things get strained. I get annoyed. It has always kinda annoyed me that my family isn't close like others. My parents know almost nothing about me and, on one hand I like that mostly because I know they don't really approve of me and my "chosen lifestyle" but that's ok. On the other hand I would like to have one of those super close families where we would share everything. Where we would know how everyone functions and ticks. I know we will never have one of those families. It's too late for that. We will never be like that and it's ok. I don't think I mind.

All I need is a break. I haven't seen my friends in ages and I miss them. I'm pretty much living for my week getaway in Cape Town. I'm still a little chipped that  my parens are jetting off to Australia while I'm stuck here. Oh well, least I will hopefully have someone to keep me company. 

Ups, Downs and Saturday Night Series.

After the debauchery of last night some much needed rest and relaxation is needed. After about 9 shots of Jaegermeister and 3 beers later oh and a trip to Monument to smoke some weed I was somewhat fragile. Go figure. Vomiting in the bin in my room was probably not the best life choice out but shit happens. One day, a lot of coffee and even more sleep later I'm all good again. Well, apart for the usual self-hatred and insecurity.

So, instead of studying for Accounting that I'm writing on Monday I decided to watch some vintage Awkward. I love Awkward, it speaks to me, it was the reason I started this blog. I think it's worth it, I love the way I can rant and get it all out of my system. Nothing for today though, surprisingly I got no rants. This is kinda new for me but don't worry guys, there will be way more to come. 

Guess I'm the fool again.

I don't claim to have learned much in my life but there is one lesson I really shoul have learned by now and that is to NEVER fully trust anybody. Just as you think things are getting better they go and tell half truths and everything good starts toppling down. It hurts... A lot. Moral of the story, don't trust anybody. 

Consider my eyes: OPENED

Over the past couple weeks I have been reconnecting with a guy I had previously been relative close with in the past. The reason we had, for loss of a better term, drifted is because of the insident that happened at the start of the year. I'm not gonna rehash details but it wasn't pretty. Also, don't you just love it when you hear that you're in a relationship with someone you've been friends with for the past, I don't know, 5 years and when she has been in a relationship with another guy for like the first half of this year!? WTF reject, is your life so dull that you need to spread shot about me? I don't get it. Did it really hurt you so badly that I didn't wanna join your clique? I don't get it...

Rant over, I've decided to be the bigger person and try talk to the ginger in question. (Am I the only person who things it's ironic he's a ginger?) I have no idea what I'm gonna say yet but I think it's a step that needs to be taken. This awkward crossing of paths in the stairwell is just too awkward. Something needs to be done and I guess I need to be the one to initiate it. Am I being silly to think that it will all pan out ok and there will be severely less awkward? Who knows, it's worth a shot. 

I'm strong but I'm lonely

Having spent the past couple days at home, studying for exams, it has been a major help. Fewer distractions, less temptation etc. I've got a large chunk of work done although I have been procrastinating a fair amount. I can't complain, the coffee is great. 

Only problem is being couped up all day in this big house by myself can be very lonely. It's quiet, whch is great for studying, but I can't help but feel so alone. I know it will all pass soon enough but I still can't help but feel so alone. It's getting bad again. In a couple days I'm heading back to Gtown and then I can focus on work again. It'll be fine, I'll be fine. 

Exam stress, again.

So I'm at that time of year again when the exam stress is about to kick in. Tomorrow morning swot will will officially commence, the final week before the shit hits the fan and it's the biginning of the end. Can't believe this yeah has flown fast so quickly. Yoh. Hopefully the next two will fly past even faster. I need to get out of Gtown. I need to get a move on with my life. I can't believe I was so stupid as to give up on my architecture degree. Well, not really give up but not continue into the post-graduate course. Don't get me wrong, I don't entirely regret going to Rhodes this year but I do regret the position it has placed me in. I should have just gone strait into an MBA course at NMMU and dealt with the lesser degree.

Anyways, my feelings of depression have been less lately. I don't know why but it seems to be better. It's not like anything good has been happening but I am proud to announce that I only wanted to drive into a tree at 120km/h twice one my way home. So yeah, guess things are in the up. That's it from me, for now. 

Piece out.

Who would have thunk-ed!?

So I think I've had my blog for almost a year now and in this year I've had all of like one reader but that's ok. This isn't for you, this is for me. These are the chronicals of my thoughts, my emotions, my rants and most importantly my delusions.

If I had of told myself a year or two ago that u would be typing to a BLOG and letting loose all my deepest secrets and feelings I probably would have laughed at you but here I am, typing away. Who woul have thunk-ed!?

Anyways, onwards and upwards. Bring in the happy thoughts. Bring in the good... There is good in my life right? Right now I'm not too sure but hey, at least my skin is looking good and I've had an ok-ish hookup or two. Maybe things aren't as bad as I thought.

Feeling more alone than ever.

Ok, so this is really silly but Barnard is in London and although I didn't have with me before I am feeling more alone than ever. I know it is silly but I'm feeling it anyway. I don't know what to do!?

Anyways, I've been using exercise to distract myself and its kinda been working. Did 100 crunches and push-ups today. Feeling pretty proud of myself all while eating only what a runway model would, black coffee and air. So yeah, all is going ok. Vac is fast coming to an end although I just wanna get the rest of the year started so I can get it over with. As time passes I am finding myself less and less happy at Rhodes and I don't know why. This is a problem as I have at least another 3 years there. Guess I just gotta suck it and do my time. 

Oh technology.

So, I recently joined the iRevolution and got an iPhone. All was fun and games until recently when the camera stopped working. I decide to google it because maybe it was easily fixed and I didn't have to send it in but no such luck. So, here I go, about to send my phone in. I'm about I be phone less but hey. I'll survive  

Wish me luck guys. 

Your biggest mistake.

So I've been listening to this song a lot lately. Rediscovered it a couple days ago and it has just spoken to me. Anyway, thought I'd share my favorite couple lines from the song. Enjoy!

"It's a shame you don't know what you're running from,

Would your bones have to break and your lights turn off.

Would it take the end of time to hear your heart's false start?"

- Ellie Goulding, Your Biggest Mistake 

Breaking the ice

So I do acknowledge that it has been a long long time since my last post and I do not intend on leaving all my avid readers, all like 2 of you and that's on the generous side, in the dark again. So, my past couple weeks have been interesting to say the least. The thrills and spills include sleeping with somebody with a boyfriend, having naps with somebody who's name I do not remember, throwing up in front of said naps partner, running for Wine Tasting president and proceeding to get hopelessly trashed at Monument. Yepp, been a good couple weeks.

On a more serious note though, I think the depression is back. Lately I've been feeling really bleak about life, what I'm doing and where is going. I don't know what my problem is but I really need to snap out of it. Maybe I need my occasional dose of Mike. Who knows!? All I know is I need to get over this shit. That's all. That simple. 

Ups and downs.

If I said I feel like I am the biggest mess on earth would you believe me. I'm up one minute, down the next. I don't know what's going on but whatever I'm going through, it needs to stop, and it needs to stop now. 

As previously mentioned, there was a certain Mike I had my eye on. Anyways, my fears about distance making a person miss me or forget about me came true in the most shocking way possible. Maybe he is just a bad communicator or maybe he has forgotten abut me, I'm not sure but either way there has been a shocking lack of concern as well as communication. 

Regardless of that, after the spike of happiness that was my one nighter with Mike there has been an understandable free fall. For a couple weeks. Although there was a free fall I did however hit a thermocline and my free fall turned into a spike again. This spike comes with the name of Barnard. He's a super nice guy and all that but there is one problem, one of roughly 750km between us. Yes, he's from CT and me Gtown. Not ideal but hey, he's been great to talk to. 

I'm really starting to like him and I feel as if this could be a problem. I don't know if my frosted heart could deal with any more anguish. More up and down. Am I putting the cart before the horse in this whole thing. 

Oh God, why?

Yeah, that's just about sums up what I'm doing right now. I have work tomorrow but no, I gotta go and get all nostalgic. And by nostalgic I mean repeating "Oh God, why?" In my head multiple times. 

Night world. 

Working class citizen.

So here I am sitting after a long days work thinking: "Damn, I want a beer!" Is this the feeling I am going to experience for the rest of my life and if so, I most definitely need the second degree so I can progress to a point beyond being an administrative assistant! 

As a whole the job has been going well, nothing too much to report although there is a somewhat awkward vibe at the office. There is most definitely underlying tension although I'm not 100% sure where all of it is coming from. My boss is really nice though. He's friendly and he explains things to me like why I am doing something rather than just telling me to do it with absolutely no background. Things are really going well here but I can't help but think about what is going on back in Gtown. 

I recently read a quote saying "the scariest thing about distance is you don't know whether they'll miss you or forget about you" and I think it could not be more accurate. I can't help but wonder whether Mike has forgotten about me or whether I'm still in the back of his mind. There is no way to find out but I guess time will tell. I wonder if its a good idea to even tell him I'm in Gtown for fest or if I should risk  a chance meeting by bumping into him.

Either way, I intend on seeing him when i go up for fest. I'm kinda keen for some naps and my, hopefully, regular dose of Vitamin-M. 

Untitled.

Here I sit, on a Friday night, wrapped in a blanket and watching series on my laptop. What has happened to me? What happened to the club hopping, drug snorting, whild-child of the past? Care free and painting the town red. Oh right, I grew up. I guess it happens but this isn't what I was expecting. Then again, I don't know what I was expecting from this new maturity but this certainly wasn't it. 

I saw a picture recently and it had some or other quote on it about being lonely because you hate everybody and not because your standards are too high. I have to disagree with that. I don't hate everybody, I try to give everybody the benefit of the doubt, but I still find myself sitting along in bed with the people I most want to be with barely even aware of my existence. I know right now this just sounds like a pity party for one but this is how I feel. I constantly stare at my phone wishing that little red light will flash and the message will be from somebody I care about. 

I always liked to tell myself that I didn't mind being alone and until recently I seriously felt that way. Now, on the other hand, I think I may need to retract that statement. All I really want is someone to cuddle up to. We don't even need to speak, I just want someone. Does that make me needy or does that just make me a normal person that wants some sort of company? 

Chop, chop.

It's come to that time of every two or so months where I have decide to have the large majority of my hair hacked off. The task its self is simple enough, make a booking, set a reminder on your phone, and hope to God that you don't forget about the appointment. 

Although, more important than remembering the appointment, I need to make a decision about what exactly I'm going to have done to my hair. I trust Ryan, my stylist, and I know he will do what is best for me and my face shape bla bla bla but I'm not sure of I wanna stick with my regular, somewhat boring, cut or whether I wanna go for something a little more adventurous. Decisions, decisions. Also, to complicate matters just a little bit more, I wanna do something Mike will like. (Oh God, that rhymed) I have been told he like the more many stuff but I don't know. Guess I'll just have to see what he suggests. Here goes nothing.  

Blue skies or the eye of the storm?

After a very long and somewhat turbulent first semester I arrived home yesterday for the vac. Not that it's gonna be much of a vac as I have a job, one of the many perks of getting older and having decided to take on a little more responsibility in my life. 

Anyways, my first day back in PE served to be one of many thrills. I went for coffee with Meemz, the one and only, one of the few people in my life to hold BFF status. Coffee and brownies were amazing! Almost as amazing as the company while sipping on my cappuccino and snacking on a delicious red velvet square of sugar and fat. After that we took a drive down to the beach where we had a walk along the shore line, sat on the sandbags and watched the surfers doing their thing and then had the amazing idea to take a walk down one of the storm water pipes that run off into the sea. Sanding at the end of it, about 20m or so into the sea, we stoop quietly while, again, watching the surfers do their bit. Before we knew it a massive wave had hit the storm water pipe and needless to day, we were wet. Soaked! It was at that point both of us decided we were at adventure capacity and that we both needed a good shower. With that we decided we would get together for yoga on Saturday morning and we bid our fair wells. 

- Meemz and I at Urban Express Coffee Co.

After dropping Meemz off at home and having a shower I decided to chill for a bit only to later decide i do not need to get any fatter and that the brownie needed running off. A 7km jog later here I am. Sitting on my bed and reporting back to all zero of my readers about my day but, i think that is how I like it. 

During my run I was able to reflect a little, thinking about how up and down the past semester was as well as how amazing today has been. I can't believe I gave my Meemz and all this up just so I could get a fresh start that I fucked up anyway. If I could reverse 6 to 9 months and do it all over I think I would do things quite differently but then again hindsight is easy, making good choices is not. Have I made good choices or are they as bad as I think they are? Well, whatever the case I have made my bed, now I gotta lie in it. 

Fleeting thoughts, please stay in my head.

I promised myself countless times that I would never do this again. I promised myself that I would not allow these thoughts. Mike, why are you in my head? 

Why am I doing this to myself? I'm not gonna be in Gtown for the next 4 and a half weeks. I can't do this again. I refuse to have a rerun of the Easter-Dave saga. Ok, well, an actual Dave rerun is just about impossible as Mike is not a bottom feeding, self-centered,d-bag filled with steroids but its still happening. Why? I really wish I could just get over the awkward crush phase and find out exactly what's going on but that may pose as a slight problem as Mike isn't exactly the best at checking his BlackBerry. I guess I will just have to weather the storm and see what happens when I get back, or when I possibly go up for fest but that's a different story entirely. 

So good to be home. Well, kinda!?

After an hour or so in the car I finally got home after a long, stressful and somewhat turbulent term. Driving up the tree lined avenue I could almost smell the coffee as I approached. Without even unpacking my car I jumped out, ran inside and there it was...

Sitting on the couch, insulated by its own sheer mass and blubber, the waste of space that is my aunt was still here. Close on a year later I thought she would have moved on, found somebody else to use and abuse for free food and shelter but no. She was still here. In my house. Eating my bacon. 

Cave troll aside I am happy to be home. There is good coffee, some food and a bed and shower with my name on it. I shouldn't complain. I know it's more than most have. It's just amazing how the sight of a person and destroy your good mood. Am I being unreasonable or is this justified? 

For the soul.

So, last night an old friend of mine was in town and to celebrate the return of Christine (still fake names) we all went our for beers at The Rat and Parrot. All was going really well until I spotted him, talking to one of my friends, Mike. I think everybody has that one person who is "the one that got away" and for me, Mike is one of my escapees.  

After a shockingly awkward eye catching half sort of wave and smile thing and when we were about to leave the Rat I plucked up the courage to go talk to him and casually (and shockingly transparently) drop the fact that we were going to Champs next and that he should maybe pop in. No!? Anyways, long story short, he came to Champs and stayed for a drink or 2. At the end of the evening, when we were leaving I gave Mike a lift home and he invited me in for tea/coffee.

After waking up the next morning after a night of naps I could not help but smile. There I was, lying in his arms and all I could think was how perfectly we fitted together. His arms around me, our legs intertwined. It was exactly what the doctor ordered, exactly what I needed. Although one night stands aren't really my thing this one was great. 

Procrastination like never before.

Seriously, this is getting bad. This procrastination is getting out of hand. I have spent the last half hour watching clips of YouTube and then a food 15min deciding whether I should take the 04:00pm laundry slot of the 02:30pm slot even though I was a good 20min late for it. Ended up taking the 04:00 slot. Yeah, this is what my life has boiled down to. Got to love exams. 

So, I write accounting tomorrow and OMFG I am nervous. I think I know what is going on but I thought so at the last test too and that didn't go too well. Like 28% Not too well. I try to block it from my brain though. It's not my favorite thing to think about. Anyways, back to the accounting I should go. Wish me luck... 

I'm so not in the mood. 

Forrest or Avacado?

For centuries people have been asking the philosophical question, is the grass greener on the other side? Personally, I believed that I had the answer to my previous situation but it may seen as if the forrest green grass of the other side may be the exact same shade as the avocado where I have come from.

So, for the last three years, not including this one, I attended NMMU in my hometown. I stuck it out, gritted my teeth and after three very long years I got my degree in architecture, my BAS. After I finished that I made the shockingly bad life decision of starting again by boing a BCom at Rhodes. The grass at Rhodes had always seemed greener than that of NMMU as my best friend from high school has been here the whole time. Rhodes, as an institution, has always been proud of how diverse the students and faculty is. They have also been proud of how open and accepting the students can be. This I have found is not always the case. Just because Rhodes is accepting does not mean the student body feels the same way. 

I have never been ashamed of my sexuality, it's never been something I have flaunted either but I am not ashamed to shy I have a homosexual vein running through my body and it is here to stay. Although I may not be entirely straight I have never wanted to be an integrated part of the LGBTI community. I don't like the connotations and stereotypes of malicious gossip and flamboyant behavior. I will admit that I did my time in the gay clubs but I feel as if I have outgrown it and now I just wanna settle down and enjoy my time. This has been grossly misinterpreted by the LGBTI community of Rhodes with them believing I want to be "Mr. Straight" and that I'm living this lie. I didn't get this, of all the people that have potentially been hurt by judgement, this community should surely be the last to judge. Am I wrong in thinking this? 

Either way, it has turned out that the grass is not always greener on the other side. The past of pigeon holes and generalization has continued to the now somewhat avocado tinted grasses of Rhodes. Guess that answers my question. 

I wish ...

You know, sometimes I really wish I could just tell people how I really feel. I'm not claiming that I know everything or that I'm like pro at life but sometimes I wish others could see what I see. 

For example, I have a friend, lets call him Kyle (still not real names) and he's dating this guy, Dante. Kyle can do so so so much better than Dante but he doesn't see it.  Dante is, frankly, full of shit. He creates drama and and sucks everybody around him into his personal web of lies and drama. I don't get it. Kyle is such a great guy and deserves so much better but he insists on staying with this guy. If only he saw what I see. If only he knew how much better he could do. 

Another example includes my other friend Craig. He is head over heals for this girl and to be honest, I  don't know why. She's a boat load of crazy and there is no attempt to even try hide it. I had a hectic chat with Craig and he seems happy so who am I to judge? I just see this all ending badly and I don't want that to happen. 

Is it wrong of me to want the best for my friends? Or is this all for means my personal gain? I say no because what would I gain out of each situation? Well other than the satisfaction of being right all along. Is that wrong?

One down, four to go ...

So tomorrow marks the start of my first set of exams as a Rhodes student. It gets kicked off with Economics and I think I got this. Well, that's at least what I say now. Just wait till tomorrow after the exam when I'm in tears and all I wanna do is huddle into a little ball and cry because I failed on my ass...  

Anyways, happy thoughts. I'm sure it's all gonna go fine. Guess I will just have to let you know tomorrow. Im sure you can hold out till then, right?

Night world.

Panic stations.

Ok, so the university I go to has recently had a "confessions" page put on Facebook and I am not sure about this. Yes, it's a fantastic way to vent any confessions you may have about whatever is going on but what about the people that may get caught in the cross fire? 

My friend Christine (still using fake names, I will tell you if they ever get real) is thrilled about it. She can't wait for the claws, and better yet, the drama to come out. I do agree with her in that it could get incredibly funny but on who's expense? Even though the posts may be anonymous people can still put 2 and 2 together and hopefully not get 5. 

All this being said, could this maybe be my chance to possibly get my foot back in the door with Dave?  We did get along really well and I did like him but I also do know I gave up way too easily. If I had if stuck in there would it have worked out? Guess there is no harm in trying. Right?

Really, again?

Ok, so here we start all over again. Maybe it's the stress of the rapidly approaching exam session or the fact that I have not had sex for the last 6 months but something is getting to me. If only I knew what.

I'm starting to get that feeling of being surrounded by people yet never havering been so alone. That feeling of my friends being a next to me to talk but not having anyone to really talk to. If the fact that my suicidal thoughts are becoming almost frequent isn't alarming enough maybe the fact that while driving home only a couple days ago I actually wondered how it would feel if I just had to veer off the road and hit a tree. 

Would death be instant?

Would I feel anything?

Well, regardless of how instant or painful it may have been I never went through with it. Not too surprising I guess since I have never been an all too big follower through of my own plans. 

Following through of plans, that leads me to another "really, again" moment. So, towards the end of last term there was a guy. Yes, a guy. We were in a club under conditions that could not exactly be describes as, well, tasteful. He was drunk, I was drunk, we made out in the club. I know what you thinking, so we made out in a club, big deal. That club has seen way worse. The issue was that I didn't exactly want to come out to my newly found friends in such a in your face manner. 

Anyways, the guy I hooked up with, lets call him Dave (I'm not using real names), was a nice enough guy, arms for days, or so it seemed. Out flirting started out slowly but the confessions came thick and fast. In the first hour of talking to me he had blurted that his father was having an affair, that his mother knew, and that he could not be bothered. This confused me at first but in time I realized that general apathetic state continued to more than just his somewhat Kardashian like family life and situation. His lack of a loving home was more than catered for by the large amount of excessively expensive designer clothing baught for him and his unnatural love for the gym. Later it turned out that he had BDD (Body Dismorphic Disorder) so that a put a lot in perspective.

Long story short, things didn't work out, or rather he didn't allow them to. One of his best friends, Julia (still not using real names), told me he has a tendency to self sabotage anything good that may happen and damn-snap, she hit the nail on the head. 

Well I guess that is the long and the short of it for now. I'm getting tired and my iPad's battery is gonna go flat any second now. 

I just worry about where I'm going. What I'm doing. Are my suicidal thoughts going to continue? I really don't know but all I can do is hope for a better tomorrow and if that day doesn't come, bring on the wine and running shoes. 

xoxo,

That Guy.