Holiday Blues.

Recently I heard a quote that went something along the lines of:

"I don't feel as sorry for the person who goes to bed alone and feels lonely
but rather
the person lying next to someone else that still feels lonely"

Not sure why but this quote hit me really hard. It's not like I'm lying in bed next to someone and still feel alone, I am 100% alone after all. Sounds terrible but I have come to embrace this. I enjoy being alone. It's great but now, thanks to the festive season, my solitude has been destroyed.

I used to love being home alone all day, just me and Fendi (the dog) in the silence but this is now gone. My parents are off work, who knew they ever did that, and my brother has also come home. We are a full house at the moment and it is driving me crazy. All I want is my silence back.

All I want is to be alone.

I have taken to running and taking the dog for a lot more walks. It gives me an extra hour or so to enjoy the silence and be by myself. I know this is very anit-social behaviour but I enjoy it none the less.

It is what's best for my sanity.

I have been trying very hard to keep up the sunny disposition that I started in November but it has been difficult. After November went well, having passed all my exams, I am now a firm believer in positive energy bringing about positive results.

Lets keep it light. Lets keep it mellow. Put positivity into the world and it will be returned to you.

Highs, Lows and Sunday Selfies

After a long week of studying for economics it is finally over. It felt like it has taken forever to get to this point but I am here. That was the last economic paper I will hopefully have ever written. Well, holding thumbs I will not have to come back for a supplementary exam in February but I'm sticking with the external optimism.


After the exam of Friday I have taken a weekend of a well-deserved break. I at least think it was well deserved.
Friday we went out for lunch and then again for some drinks in the evening. It was really nice to go out and just be chilled. To not have to worry about having to study or my upcoming exams. While out on Friday I met some really interesting characters. It was great. I let my hair down and just had a great time. Had a really great time with Andreas, Lisa and Scott. I really love them. They are such special friends. They make this place bearable.
Saturday was also really chilled. Went to buy Fiona's birthday present, a gift basket of exam treats that I have subsequently given to her and she loved. Although this is way before her birthday. Later on Saturday I had another birthday event, for Chrissi. As I have previously mentioned I go to coffee tasting to help a friend, who is also a barista, out. One of the girls that also attend the tastings had a small birthday get together at the shop and we were all invited. It was such a nice time. I had a blast. It was such a nice time. After that I went back up to res for a fat chill. This happened until a bit later when a friend of mine, Josh, messaged me. So, Josh is a guy I met about four or so months ago while at Tri-Var non Tri-Var. We get along, I guess, and he's a nice guy. Great hook-up but more than that, I don't know. Our hook-up left we with a great ending to the day. Well, that and watching Stardust for about the millionth time.


Friday and Saturday were perfect. Just what I needed but like all good things, nothing lasts forever...


Sunday has been a rollercoaster of emotions. I have no idea as to whether I am coming or going or what the fuck is going on inside my head. I have spent most of the day cooped up in my room watching movies and listening to music. I am having super mixed emotions about everything. I can't decided whether I want to see people or be alone. Be happy or sad. Optimistic or just plain angry. Angry at what, I'm not even sure but it seemed like the right emotion. The only thing stopping me hurling my coffee cup across the room is the rational side of me thinking that I'm just gonna have to clean it up so what's the point? Will it make me feel better? Probably but I still feel it's unnecessary and a waste of a perfectly good coffee cup. I have grown fold of these thick, white and cheap PnP specials.


I guess it's not strange that I have had such a rollercoaster weekend. What goes up must come down and I think the rules of physics applies to my emotions too. All in all I think it has been a good weekend. If not for the time I spend with friends, the hook-up or the movies watched but for the awesome selfie I took while on the walk I took a little earlier. Looks like selfie-Sunday is happening again.

Out with the old, in with the new.

Off the bat I would like to apologize for the really bad High school Musical title for this blog post. Although it kinda grates me to post it I don't really know any other way to title this post. Anyways, here goes...

On the road to positive thinking and my no-complaining November I have decided that I need to did my life of all that is negative. Or at a least try. It's quite a difficult one because there are certain things in my life that are quite negative although I don't know if I want to remove them.

An example: My friend and I really like memes and through the course of this year and last we decided that the memes of doge fitted him and grumpy cat fitted me. For his birthday I made him a doge shirt and me a grumpy cat shirt. Kinda cool hey.

Only problem, now that I'm trying to make my life more positive, does grumpy at have to go? He is after all GRUMPY CAT. Hardy positive.This is a serious toss up and although I do like the shirt I don't want it to affect me. 

Other thing I have been removing are tv programs and movies that make me a worse person. I've been trying to replace them with more positive ones. Sadly most of them now have I come from Mtv. Not exactly the most amazing programming but hey, let's hope it's keeps me positive. 

I'm heading into the home attract of the year. The whole year is boiling down to this, the final 4weeks of the semester. All that's keeping me going is reminding mysel to stay positive, I got this, and that in 24 days it will all be over.

Wish me luck as I enter the belly of the beast. This is seriously gonna test my positivity but it has I be done. I can do this right!? 

Staying positive. Easier said than done...

After a week of positive thoughts I think I have done well. I think I managed to get through the week without excessive complaints or bitching. Well, except for last night. Steve and I went up to monument for a chill and the topic wondered onto a specific person. I couldn't help but vent a couple frustrations about his this particular person had seriously f*cked up my year last year and continued to do so for the first part of this year till he went to the UK.


Anyways, positive thinking. I'm about to go home for a week so I can study for the upcoming exams. Yay. Fewer distractions and all that.
Also, unlimited coffee.


So, I am a HUGE fan of American Horror Story. I have loved all the seasons ands the current is no exception. The most recent episode featured Jessica Lange singing a song, Gods and Monsters. It has to be the most tragic yet beautiful, haunting but calming song I have ever heard. I have practically had it on repeat for the past day. I have a problem. Hahaha.


Gods and Monsters, Jessica Lange: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=f9_cjsraVhI


Here we go, I am about to embark on the final day of my positive thoughts week. Well, not that I am going to revert to being a bitch and all that but you know what I mean. I wanna finish strong. I'm gonna do this.
Thank you for reading this. I appreciate it. I don't know if I have followers or how exactly this works but hey, thank you.

Cought in the crossire of my own thoughts.

As I mentioned on Sunday, this was supposed to be my "live positive" week. Turns out being positive all the time is a lot more difficult than I thought. Especially when the people abound aren't always supportive.


So today my positive outlook was tested. A guy who lives across the hall from me asked for some class notes from me. I almost lost it! Let me give you a little back story though...
So this guy across the hall from me moved into my res probably about 2 months ago. Until maybe 3 weeks ago I had never even said more than 2 words to him. He is in one of the classes I do and the only reason I know this is because I saw him at the test. He is almost never in class. Anyways, so he asks me today for notes, via a WhatsApp message...
I am proud to announce that I was the bigger person. I bit my tongue, gave him the notes and then reminded him that I needed them back tonight. Some of us actually attend the class.


Other than that I have just been trying to be positive. I don't know if I'm winning or not but I am so tired. On the plus side, I went for a really good run today. It was great.

New Week, New Perspactive.

In past posts there has been more than enough negativity to last me a life time. I have decided that this needs to change and it starts right now...

I officially declare this upcoming week: No bitch week!

I'm not 100% sure how I am gonna do this yet but hey, I'm gonna take a swing at it and see where it goes. It all started when I watched a vlog entry by one of my favourite vloggers, PointlessBlog. He spoke about 7 way in which one can improve their life. This hit me pretty hard and I decided that I'm gonna give it a shot. I am gonna try improve my life. If this maybe urges you to improve your life too, I have included the URL for the YouTube video below.

7 Ways to Improve YOUR Life: https://www.youtube.com/watchv=aAoR8SJ5IYo&list=PL71AA2459563FF842

In the theme of not complaining and being generally grateful for the blessing that is my life, I feel as if I have to tell the world about the most amazing coffee I had today. So, there is the very small take-away coffee shop in the edge of campus. It is run by one of the friendliest people I have ever met in my life, Sisa. He is always in the most upbeat mood and never fails to put a smile on my face through his genuine concern for people.
Being addicted to coffee I frequent his coffee shop and have thus got to know him very well over the past two or so years. One of the perks of being a regular is that I get invited to the tastings of Sisa's experimental sessions. This is when he tries out the new drinks he creates for competitions. The flavour of today was a crème-brûlée macchiato. Long story short, it is divinity in a cup. That's all....

- Creme-brûlée macchiato 

So, that was essentially the highlight of my weekend. Well, that and a super-cute guy on Instagram liking my selfie. Haha.
It's the little things in life that should make you smile.

Damn...

Today for the first time I realised my blog was not getting any views... I had it sent on private.
Well that's awkward.


Anyways, so I put it on public not and I actually have people reading my blog. What!? I think it's kinda cool that people all over the world can NOW read my blog. Maybe it will provide some insight from others. Hell, this is an Oprah moment.
I, however, still will not be telling my friends about my blog. That's just a bad idea. They know the me that  let them know. If they had to know anymore... Don't know if I will still be able to call them friends.

Dumb idea for the day

So I was sitting in YouTube earlier and watching The Monastero Twins (really hope I spelled that correctly) channel and I had the dumbest idea in my head... I should start my own YouTube channel.


So this Idea popped in my head for all of about like 10min and then passed but never the less it got me thinking, what the eff would I speak about if I had to start a channel?
I know that my life is not that boring, I do some fun things. Kinda. I can just imagine how the monologue would go:


"So I had a really good run today. Did a 10k. I'm back under the hour. Yeah..."


That was my dumb idea for the day. Back to watching YouTube and listening to Take That I will go. Lazy Saturday for the win. I think I may go for a run tonight.

Sleepless Nights.

Having insomnia can be a blessing and a course. It is great for staying up all night and watching that trashy Mtv show that you secretly love but if anybody had to ask, you would say that you hate. Hell, I just watched over a season of Faking It... My trashy guilty pleasure of the moment.
The down side, however, is that you sit, you lie, you wait and in this time you get to think. You get to question things and decisions. You get to contemplate...


Contemplation is not always a good thing. The number of nights I have been in bed, just lying there, wondering if I was ever going to meet anybody is just sad. The number of times I have cried myself to sleep because of this is even sadder. Having hour upon hour to sit around and do nothing but think about all the potential mistakes I have made is just... No. I don't know what to do. I need to block it out somehow but I don't know how.


On the bright side, this does allow me to keep my shockingly out of date blog a little more with the times. It's quite sad that I only come here to vent my frustrations. One should document the good and the bad, not only the bad. I need some good. Bring on the good...

Second place...

So coming second is never fun. Well try third, forth, fith etc. It's never fun. Seriously. It's the pits. 

Coming second to anybody hurts but when it's somebody who you have been trying so hard to be better than it hurts even more. 

Jayson, Donovan, Theo, Dwight... The list just goes on. What's wrong with me? 

Am I that repulsive? How do I fix this? What do I need to do??? 

Rejected. Neglected. Unnoticed.

Being invisible has certain pros. You blend in, you can fly under the radar, you can go unnoticed for days and nobody will be any the wiser to what you have been up to. It is great being "that guy" and being "the invisible student." It has, till now, had many more pros than cons. 

This feeling has somehow changed though. It hurts when one wants to be noticed, especially by a certain individual, and that does not come right. I can't help but feel rejected.

Neglected. 

Unnoticed...

Au revoir, mon amour.

In life things and people come and go. I's one of those things, it happens...


Although you prepare yourself for people to leave, when it happens it still does hurt. This weekend has been a particularly hurtful one in that respect. Two people I have grown to love and care about, for different reasons, are both leaving. I feel as though this is a growing trend in my life and I don't like it.
It's like everything I touch becomes infected and slowly dies. Well, figuratively, not literally. I'm not poisonous after all.


Anyways, enough feeling sorry for myself. I have way too much work to wallow in my personal pity party. Krieg and JB, I wish you both the best and unlimited happiness, light and love in your adventures abroad and in the middle of nowhere. You both take a portion of my heart with you. I hope both of you know that.
Au revoir, mon amour... Goodbye, my love.

Sometimes I wonder.

Every now and then you do something because it's instinctive. We are animals after all and and these instincts are programmed into us. After a really shitty last 2 months I decided it was time to come home for a bit. I've wanted to for the last couple weeks but have always been really busy. Anyways, this weekend I made the mission to come home and now that I'm home I have no idea why I even waste my time. It is not providing me with the comfort or support that I need not is it providing me with any sort or rest or peace. I find all that is happening is that I'm being politely ignored by my parents while they continue around me. It makes me wonder why I even came home? If I wanted to be ignored and left to my own devices I could have done tht back at Rhodes. 

The only pro of being back so far is that I can abuse my parents coffee machine. Wow. 

No Regrets.

I was recently speaking to a friend about things that had happened in the past and whether we had regretted doing these things or not. We came to the conclusion that most things done were appropriate for the certain time and that they should not be regretted.

All these things that were done can be seen as stepping stones to where we are now as people. For instance, the tattoo I got a couple years ago was appropriate at that time of my life. Right now it may not be appropriate but that does not mean I regret the decision to get it. It was appropriate at the time it has been an instrumental part of who I am and where I have come from.

I think what can be taken from this is that regrets are made up in our heads. We don't need them. We need to embrace our past decisions, good or bad, as instrumental in becoming the people we are today. 

Guess I pulled a Mike... Again

Personality can be defined as repeated characteristics that are common across different circumstances and in the nature of being true to myself, I pulled a Mike.
Is it not enough that I tend to go overboard in trying to plan something but now I also have to go and fully misinterpreted the entire situation. It was a classic situating where a guy said hi and I went from 0 to wedding themes on all of 12.8seconds. Uuurg, why do I do this to myself? I know I am only setting myself up for disappointment but I end up doing it anyway.


Well done, Mike... Well Done!


Other than that unfortunate incident, my life has been average as ever. That is the one major bonus of being "that guy," nothing much changes.

I think I'm getting bad again...

So I've been back in Gtown for over a month now and I already feel like I'm getting Stockholm syndrome. All I want is to get out of here. Get away for a bit. Go to the beach. See some friends. I really miss Gillian right about now. I kinda miss all my older friends. I need to get back to reality and have a dose of maturity in my life. This place is depressing me and I think I'm getting bad again, I can't afford to get ba again. 

I need to get out of here. Thursday can't come soon enough. 

Why can't it be simple?

I know many people say that it's the ups and downs in life that make it interesting but for once in my silly little life I would really like it to be simple. I don't know if I go and overthink and complicate everything but I'm really getting over it.

"All I want is somebody sweet, kind and maybe a little bit simple"

I know I'm not asking for much but I really want someone just like that. Oh, and this said person needs to preferably live in Gtown too. That would be really nice. I have never really tried the whole long distance thing but I don't seem to think it will work too well. Also, guess it doesn't help that the only people I like are in PE and I'm stuck in this shit hole.

So anyways... Right now I'm just sitting in my room, procrastinating, and listening to OneRepublic's Good Life while I repeatedly tell myself that it will all get better. Yay me. 

Retraction!?

Ok, so I maybe need to retract a previous statement. The glacial reply was due to his phone being stolen last night. I feel bad now. He really has the worst luck, I wish I could do something to help.

I really do. 

Low / no expectations.

My parents had always taught me that the key to never being disappointed is to have little to no expectations about anything. I have always tried my best to adhere to this rule but it is becoming increasingly difficult. Things with Kyle and I are heading in a direction although I am not sure which. We do spend time together. We go to lunch, brunch etc. but I don't know if he sees them as a date or just a meal shared between friends. How does one differentiate between just a meal and a date? I have never been very good at the whole dating scene, most probably due to my shocking lack of a functional relationship. Ever. 

With Kyle being away for the next couple days, going for job interviews in George and Knysna maybe it will give me a chance to think. Not that I spend a lot of time with him anyway. I just really wanna know what is going on between us. He has mentioned he wants to come up to Gtown and meet my friends, this gives me the thought that he wants to become a bigger part of my life but I don't know. I really don't know what's going on. I saw him all of 24hours ago and I miss him already.  Oh, and his glacial speed of replying is also getting annoying. Oh well, it's the price you pay for a potential relationship. 

Shaaame...

In the past weeks I have been experiencing a large dose of shame in my life and sadly not in the really cool art-movie way. To make matters worse all the shame is mostly directed to one person that I kinda like. As mentioned in previous entries there is a certain Kyle in my life and he is still the object of my affection. Too bad almost every time I am around him I turn into my usual hot-mess-express and just go and shame myself. WHY??? 

So I might be seeing Kyle again this Saturday and this time I vow to not turn into the hot-mess-express again. I will hold myself together. I will try. I have an idea I am going to fail most epically and get back on my express line but let's see. 

Will keep you posted...

Home Sweet No.

For the past week I have been in Cape Town spending some time with friends for birthdays but most importantly just to get away for a little while. The break was great. There was wine tasting, shopping, party, low-tea and a whole lot of fun involved. My time in CT was great but the same can not be said about my return.

I have been back for less than 24hours and I already what to strangle my brother. He is a PIG. There are pieces of his shit (not his actual shit but his stuff) laying eyerywhere. No, seriously, I mean everywhere. There is a shirt of the plasma unit (God knows how long it has been there), a bicycle in the study, computers in the dining room, shoes in the lounge etc. and just to put things in perspective he has left a while bunch of his things in the lounge since Christmas. CHRISTMAS!!! That is almost a month ago. It's in exactly the same spot that it was in when he put it there. I am tempted to put everything in a black bag and just throw it out. I'm not joking. 

I realize that I am probably not the most objective person put as I have a somewhat OCD perspective on these things but seriously!?

That awkward moment when.

Sitting in the lounge, on the couch, watching a movie with my family and it dawned on me, I may have worked out of what I'm afraid of.

Some people are afraid of pain, death, spiders etc. Yes, I am somewhat afraid of them but that's not it. I think my greatest frears are that of dying alone and also that of just being average. Everybody generally has something that thy are good at. Swimming, surfing, being clever, music etc. There is nothing special about me. I'm kinda just a regular guy and I'm petrified that I will remain average. That there will be nothing special about me. Ever. Anyways, that's enough of a pity party from me. Peace out guys.

Stay strong, stay special.