I'm starting to get that feeling of being surrounded by people yet never havering been so alone. That feeling of my friends being a next to me to talk but not having anyone to really talk to. If the fact that my suicidal thoughts are becoming almost frequent isn't alarming enough maybe the fact that while driving home only a couple days ago I actually wondered how it would feel if I just had to veer off the road and hit a tree.
Would death be instant?
Would I feel anything?
Well, regardless of how instant or painful it may have been I never went through with it. Not too surprising I guess since I have never been an all too big follower through of my own plans.
Following through of plans, that leads me to another "really, again" moment. So, towards the end of last term there was a guy. Yes, a guy. We were in a club under conditions that could not exactly be describes as, well, tasteful. He was drunk, I was drunk, we made out in the club. I know what you thinking, so we made out in a club, big deal. That club has seen way worse. The issue was that I didn't exactly want to come out to my newly found friends in such a in your face manner.
Anyways, the guy I hooked up with, lets call him Dave (I'm not using real names), was a nice enough guy, arms for days, or so it seemed. Out flirting started out slowly but the confessions came thick and fast. In the first hour of talking to me he had blurted that his father was having an affair, that his mother knew, and that he could not be bothered. This confused me at first but in time I realized that general apathetic state continued to more than just his somewhat Kardashian like family life and situation. His lack of a loving home was more than catered for by the large amount of excessively expensive designer clothing baught for him and his unnatural love for the gym. Later it turned out that he had BDD (Body Dismorphic Disorder) so that a put a lot in perspective.
Long story short, things didn't work out, or rather he didn't allow them to. One of his best friends, Julia (still not using real names), told me he has a tendency to self sabotage anything good that may happen and damn-snap, she hit the nail on the head.
Well I guess that is the long and the short of it for now. I'm getting tired and my iPad's battery is gonna go flat any second now.
I just worry about where I'm going. What I'm doing. Are my suicidal thoughts going to continue? I really don't know but all I can do is hope for a better tomorrow and if that day doesn't come, bring on the wine and running shoes.
xoxo,
That Guy.
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